Jump back 8 or 7 months from now... retrospection rocks. Self realization sits with me fairly well. Self actualization may be the next chapter in my messed up life.
In the meantime, I am happy to report the following,
Life truth #1. Grab it from the foodcart if you want it.
You see something and you think you want it. It's not yours -- but it could very well be so. It's not free and you can't afford it. But you want it so make it happen. You can't wait for the makki to jump at you, that is not how the foodcart works. Life presents you these things and you pick and choose... pick and choose.... pick and choose... then grab.
This is not to say that you will always like what you have at your hands. You are entitled to make mistakes and the things we want and grab will sometimes sting. That's just how the cookie breaks. Live with it.
Life truth #2. Pain wears off.
You see, I've cried my share of pain and it does go away. You just either run out of tears or run out of pain. YOU GET OVER IT. I, for one, sometimes feel silly thinking back and finding that I can't even recall what the hell I was hurting about two or three months back.
Inasmuch as painkillers wear off... pain is not as withstanding as the sun. Pain is not as constant as we deem it to be. Pain is overrated.
Life truth #3. Happiness... is inevitable.
It may not feel like it now for most people and there might not be any sign that this is true --these are irrelevant to me. I know for a fact that time eventually leads you towards happiness as sure as gravity pulls at you.
The trick is not to wait. Let it happen and sneak up to you in the most unexpected and unoppotuned time of your life. Right when you think that you're rock bottom and sure to die of depression... let the surprise of happiness hit you hard. Allow it to embrace you and open yourself to the sunshiny feeling that things are finally looking up. Succumb to fate.
My day in the office is punctuated by the tight solid door that just now begins to close behind me. And I'm off...
Earplugs are set in place to shun out the day that's letting out the morning sun and the familiar sound of heels and nonsense banter. One click of a button, a brief silence and then...
Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart tell me why are you still so afraid?
Hey! I'm not so crazy! But yes, I am afraid. Scared shitless of failure. Anticipating uncontrolable rage blackouts. Looking back, always looking back.
Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be before your time
In the past year I have worked and worked and worked and occasionally had fun. The anxiety is overwhelming and almost unbearable. I feel like I'm in a rut and I'm going nowhere, but all around me people are saying otherwise. Is it time? MY time? What to believe?! Nuninu...
You got your passion you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true
Unfulfilled dreams are inevitable, I know that. You simply can't have them all. Some things, you just have to let go. And dream another dream if that makes you feel better... gives you purpose. Mental note, DO NOT BE A FOOL.
But you know that when the truth is toldThat you can get what you wantOr you can just get old
I find my lips mouthing the last lines...
WHEN WILL YOU REALIZE, VIENNA WAITS FOR YOU...
Silence.
out of breath whispering a letdown...
Ahhh.
Morning session over. Player is set on random today and Taken by Cars is up.
My day was punctuated with yet another healthy dose of romance through the brilliance of Richard Curtis' "Love Actually"...
It struck me now more than ever how I had passed on the chance of some good love for the then apparent strength of longetivity and unparalleled mutual awareness that had developed through time.
Suffice it to say, I was wrong.
As I recap in my head the long gruelling years of silencing my true soul and utter disgregard for my real self, I wonder why - as I have so many times - stayed in that rut. It was in so many ways an inconvenience... in so many ways, incorrect. And yet I found a constant source of love and patience and understanding and SILENCE.
Without hope or agenda, I waited on for what was to be a pitiful and ugly end.
Without hope or agenda, I now step in, again, let myself fall... Allow myself the luxury of this intense emotion that I had never seen in me before.
Is it now, as before, unwise to walk into such unsizeable paths? Is it now, as before, unwise to lay my cards on the table and let the game play on? Whatever the answer is, it should right about be TOO LATE NOW. The truth is out. The cards have been played. The music is now ringing in my ears.
Without hope or agenda, I will tell you this... I feel love. I feel love and I am not about to step down. Not just yet.
